​
 

[Loading milk crates and boxes onto truck.]

 

TIMM, CONCENTRATING

Okay, so.. the thefts ran us about, uh.. 25 crates of milk, 10 bottles each, and 16 boxes of chhheeeessse.

 

ELAINE

And the missed orders from the last route wasted how much?

 

TIMM

[Sigh.] 3 crates and 2 boxes, so about.. 280 bottles of milk and.. way too many pounds of cheese were lost.

 

ELAINE, CURIOUS

Do ya think this route will make up for alla that?

 

TIMM

No, but right now we'll take whatever sales we can get to get back on track, right?

 

ELAINE, VERY CARING AND SWEET 

That's exactly right! Wanna go back through the new plan, then? Just so I know thatcha got it?

 

TIMM

More like so you know you've got it. I told you seeeeveral times, Elaine, I understand!

 

ELAINE, WITH A SMILE

[Chuckle.] Ya got me, there, Timm. I'm guilty.

 

TIMM

Let me just get on the truck, first. Then i'll do it proper broadcast style, alright?

 

ELAINE, CHEERFULLY

Okie-Dokie, Artichokie!

 

TIMM

Bless your entire heart Elaine.

 

[Intro music plays, probably 30 secs or so.]

 

[Sound of an engine and then driving.]

 

TIMM, WILLING BUT UNAMUSED

Want me to start with the personal details, El?

 

ELAINE, ALMOST SOUNDING RELIEVED 

Please and thank you?

 

TIMM, ACCEPTING

I got you covered, Ellie. Hello.. broadcast, I am The Interdimensional Milk-Man, but you can call me TIMM. I don't really like giving out personal details, so, uh, i'll go ahead and stick with the required reading. I am originally from ED0822, but after recent.. events.. I decided to move to ED0823 and this opened up a job opportunity in the Dairy Industry to me. A few days ago there was a robbery while some IMM's were active, and as a result, we are now required to carry.. live recording devices.. as well as ear-pieces that HQ sweethearts like Elaine-

 

ELAINE, FLATTERED

Aw, thank ya, dear.

 

TIMM, CONTINUING AS IF SHE HADN'T INTERRUPTED

-Can phone in on if anything happens. This is both to ensure it won't happen again and to give us a chance at catching the dastardly dairy deviants who have yet to do the responsible thing and turn themselves, and our product, in to either the police or DHQ.

 

ELAINE

DHQ being the Dairy Head-Quarters.

 

TIMM, CONTINUING AS IF SHE HADN'T INTERRUPTED

DHQ being the Dairy Head-Quarters. And the feed is.. semi-public, so that any tips towards the robbers may be submitted during the show by anyone who may stumble upon the feed with this info. Tips and comments can be sent to @DairyUpdates on Twitter, which is the DHQ monitored social media account they let me open while on the job.

 

ELAINE, GOING TO INFORM HIM BUT BEING CUT OFF

And your current route is-

 

TIMM, OBVIOUSLY SENSITIVE ABOUT THE TOPIC

As all emergency deliveries go, subject to changes. We will be receiving orders in and out that I can only hope will be on a path I can follow, but we can't guarantee it'll stay on the path i'm taking. Which.. I hate. I'll be completely transparent, I absolutely despise emergency routes because I like knowing i'm following a set path.

 

[A moment of silence before Elaine decides to comfort Timm.]

 

ELAINE, SOFT AND ALMOST MOTHERLY

Oh, Timm. I know it's terrifying to feel like there is no set path, but sometimes that's just how it'll be. You'll feel right as rain in no time. As soon as ya get a hold on what you're doin'.

 

TIMM, WITH A SIGH BUT RELUCTANT CHUCKLE

.. Thanks, Elaine. You.. don't even know the half of it, but.. that is pretty damn comforting.

 

ELAINE, GENTLY REMINDING

Try not to swear too much, now. It is semi-public, after all.

 

TIMM, MORE SARCASTIC NOW

Thanks, Elaine.

 

ELAINE, GETTING READY TO HANG UP

Okay, kid. Ya seem like you've got a hang of all the.. tech-y stuff-

 

TIMM, TEASINGLY

-Which is more than you can say for yourself! You gonna let me go, then?

 

ELAINE

I was actually gonna transfer ya to the new kid, if that's alright?

 

TIMM, HESITANT AND CONFUSED

The.. new.. what?

 

ELAINE, ALSO CONFUSED

The new kid.. ?

 

TIMM, STILL CONFUSED

The WHAT now?

 

ELAINE, AWKWARDLY

Salazar? … The.. the new kid? Are ya pullin' my leg, honey? It ain't nice to pretend people don't exist-

 

TIMM, GETTING HEATED BUT IN A TEASING WAY

Why- Why didn't anyone tell me there was someone new on HQ calls? Why didn't anyone tell me there was gonna be someone new? How am I supposed to live without my favourite mother figure? How, Elaine?

 

ELAINE, WITH A SIGH

Timm, to be fair, I.. tried to tell ya several times but ya were more concerned about the recordin' stuff.

 

TIMM, WHINING

I.. know you're right but I am going to pretend like I did not hear that because i'm an ignorant bastard- Why would you hire a new person? A new guy? Fuckin'- S-Salad bar or whatever? You were doing just fine on your own! I like talking to you on long drives where I would otherwise have nothing but my thoughts and the clinking of bottles-

 

[Pause to let bottles clink over a bump for emphasis.]

 

TIMM

-To fill the silence!

 

ELAINE, REASSURING

You'll live, sweetheart. I promise.

 

TIMM, DRYLY

Will I?

 

ELAINE, STILL REASSURING

Ya will. I promise.

 

TIMM, AFTER A MOMENT OF CONSIDERATION

How many times am I gonna have to thank you in one morning, Elaine? .. Are you sure you can't stay on a little longer?

 

[Elaine chuckles, and then there is a click as she hangs up.]

 

TIMM

Elaine? … E-Elaine.. ? Elaaaaiiii- God dammit, okay. Whatever.

 

[Tim can be heard tapping his fingers on the wheel and starting to hum All Star by Smash Mouth.]

 

[Eventually..]

 

SALLY, CASUALLY

Smash Mouth, huh?

 

TIMM, TERRIFIED

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IN THE HELL-

 

SALLY, IMMEDIATELY SOUNDING TIRED

…. I.. was told we weren't supposed to swear.. ?

 

TIMM, STILL SCARED

WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME-

 

SALLY, WITH A SIGH

Christ. Okay. Yeah, Elaine wasn't kidding about you. I-I'm the new guy that I thought she told you about? Salzabar?

 

TIMM, STILL LOUD

I-

 

SALLY, DESPERATE

I am literally begging you not to yell again. Please.

 

TIMM, SLOWLY BUT SURELY

… I.. will.. not.. yell.. anymore.

 

SALLY

Thank you.

 

TIMM, CONFUSED

Sure.. thing?

 

SALLY, AWKWARD

Thank god. So, uh..

 

[There is an awkward silence between the two, a few hums and such between them as they share it, thinking of things to say after that rocky introduction. The silence almost makes it seem that Salzabar is aware of Timm's very vocal negative reaction towards hearing about him.]

 

TIMM, AWKWARD

So.. Uh.. was it.. Salsa.. Bear? Salsa bear?

 

SALLY, SARCASTIC

In what dimension are humans named stuff like Salsa Bear? No, man, my name is Salzabar.

 

TIMM, CORRECTING HIMSELF THEN TEASING

Salzabar. Can I call you.. Sally?~

 

SALLY, VERY PROFESSIONAL

Absolutely not. This is.. a business thing. We are doing business. We aren't giving each-other cutesy nicknames like Sally and Timmy. I.. have a name, and I expect you to learn it, man. We're co-workers.

 

TIMM, A LITTLE DEJECTED BUT ACCEPTING

.. Oh. Uh, yeah.. you're… yeah, okay.

 

SALLY, CHANGING THE SUBJECT SLIGHTLY

So, what, do they not have proper names in ED0822?

 

TIMM, CONFUSED

Wh-What do you mean?

 

SALLY, AS IF IT IS OBVIOUS

Your 'name'. Timm. T-I-M-M. It's just the initials of your job title.

 

TIMM

.. Oh. Oh, yeah, it's.. I do have a real name, I just.. as I mentioned before, to Elaine, and.. to the live broadcast.. I don't like giving out personal information.

 

SALLY

I.. respect that, actually.

 

TIMM, AWKWARDLY

Thanks.

 

[Another small pause.]

 

SALLY, ANNOYED NOW

Okay, so, this absolutely isn't going to work if we can't talk. Me and Elaine are gonna be switching off on your calls, i'm supposed to be listening in-

 

TIMM, TEASING

Freaky. Gonna kidnap me, Graverobber?

 

SALLY, SURPRISED

I-.. was that a Repo reference?

 

TIMM, SURPRISED AS WELL

Holy shit, you actually got that?

 

SALLY, QUICKLY CHANGING THE SUBJECT, ALMOST DEFENSIVELY

A-Anyways! Anyways. Point is, you need to be able to listen and we need to be able to at least be somewhat social. Can you do that, Timm?

 

TIMM

[Laugh.] I mean, yeah, i'm not completely socially inept!

 

SALLY, SARCASTIC

Could've fooled me.

 

TIMM, SARCASTIC AS WELL

The chemistry between us is so frustratingly strong, Sally.

 

SALLY

Salzabar.

 

TIMM

Graverobber.

 

SALLY, HESITANT BUT TEASING

.. Shiloh.

 

TIMM, SEEMING TO WARM UP

You may be a total party-pooper, but at least you're.. i'm guessing, at least, in my age range. Loved Elaine.. but god I could not crack a joke with her unless it was some cheesy dad joke.

 

SALLY, VERY SERIOUS

Don't diss dad jokes, Timm.

 

TIMM, TEASING

I suddenly take back every good thing I said, I hate my job now.

 

SALLY, SARCASTIC

Okay, Mr. All-Star. Let's not get too friendly, now.

 

TIMM, LAUGHING

Is that your definition of friendly?

 

SALLY, STILL SARCASTIC

Timm, It was sarcasm. I was being sarcastic. I would think you would know a thing or two about sarcasm.

 

TIMM, DEFENSIVE

Hey! I just- I just have trouble reading it off others!

 

SALLY, GETTING BACK TO BUSINESS

Okay, whatever, let's just get to the point, since we have spent so much time bickering like an old married couple. I need you to tell me your current route, run me your twitter again so I can keep an eye on it since Elaine so clearly isn't, and I need you to give me count of your stock so I know how many out we are if there is another robbery or if something breaks.

 

TIMM, GOING TO PROTEST BUT CHANGING HIS MIND

I-..... Okay. Let's see here.. My current route takes me through-

 

[Trail off into end credits.]

 

[CREDITS]

 

Speedy Deliveries is a fiction podcast written and produced by Richie Deetz. Script was edited/beta read by himfern on Instagram. You can find the spelling of that on our website, https://darklunchhour.wixsite.com/speedydeliveries.

 

The theme music is by swaggernaut812 on Fiverr.

 

The Interdimensional Milk-Man was voiced by Richie Deetz.

 

Elaine from HQ was voiced by Delaney Brittingham.

 

Salzabar from HQ was voiced by Isaac Veloz.

 

This podcast was distributed using Anchor.FM.

 

And it was possible to make with the love and support from all of my friends.